Sunday, October 13, 2013

October's Death Grip

There's a place we used to sit as friends
that I don't dare tread on with others anymore
and with the air comes sadness and a feeling that you're still here
If you were here with me in the flesh, we'd probably be discussing how awful the music is
how unnecessary this lighting is
and how we feel the world is going to shit.
Then you'd probably leave with a group and go smoke 
and I'd stay behind listening to stupid songs 
you know
old habits die hard


By the time the world took you away, I was already numb.
I look at pictures from my life at that point, and almost everyone I was close to at that time is dead now.
I guess I was still naive in thinking that this isn't what happens when you grow up in the "pretty part" of Michigan. But if not being naive would have meant I'd expect this to happen, then I'm more than content with the outlook I have in things.
..or at least the outlook I had.

All of you were always a few years ahead of me. You kept your vices away from me the way someone might from a little sister. It made me feel like I was always left out at the time, but I'm so thankful for it now. You burned through life like fire as if you knew you had twice as much ground to cover than the rest of us.
You traveled.
You had one hell of a past that consisted of all the terrible behaviors addicts tend to resort to.
You cheated
You stole
You hurt so many people
You hurt us more by dying than anything else you ever did
but I honestly think you loved me.
And that's what I try to remind myself of now when I look back and only the bad parts seem to paint to clear pictures
I remind myself that the good part was the love and no matter what happens in my life tomorrow, next month, in one year or in twenty years
the love is the lesson.

I remember having several conversations with you about the direction you wanted to go
before the drugs came back
but it was rockstar or nothing for you.
You didn't see what a good story teller you were the way we all did
You didn't see the way your own life experiences really helped all these sick kids you talked to who were headed down one hell of a nasty path.
I always thought you'd make a good counselor
You could save so many people
but you couldn't help yourself

I know how it goes

I'd like to think I had some type of positive influence in there somewhere
It's taken me years to try and think that way.
I have so much to get out of me about you and the domino effect you had on so many other friendships I had in my life
It wasn't always pretty
but at least I see the good parts now.

We all damage one another a bit
Then someone comes to pick up the pieces

It's like breaking the same object over and over again.
Each time pieces come off, there's always a part too small to bother reattaching
so you let it go
and you keep on going

People come in your life
they add things
they take away
you push them out
or they leave you
or you keep them
Either way, there's something there that wasn't before.

It doesn't always happen right away,
but eventually you become thankful for it

Last week, dozens of memories came back in one night
A combination of the right kind of silence, the right kind of atmosphere and
3 a.m.
but things came flooding back that I didn't think of in years
And it hurt like hell
but hurting is healing.
One of the things our parents told us as kids that they actually weren't full of shit about.

I thought of calling one of you and then realized that almost all of you are gone
The ones that aren't have actual families of their own now and probably wouldn't much appreciate 3 a.m. phone calls from a girl who can't even put her thoughts into words half the time.

I still have the numbers of all my dead friends saved in my phone
It's the last thing I can never part with.
It reminds me that you used to be a phone call away
And maybe more importantly,
it reminds me that many people still are