It's hard for me to think about the memories the past few years have given me without getting a little bit melancholy. I know you get older and friendships/relationships change, but sometimes I wish I could get back to a place that I know I'll never be able to reach again. There have been a few 'ships that screwed me up a little. I think mostly because I cared too much. I've learned how important it is to look at people as what they are: humans. Rather than ever putting someone up on a pedestal and thinking that no greater person will ever walk into your life. It seems pretty silly, but the few people I held such high regard for in the past have hurt me more than anyone else. It's my fault- I see that now. That's what happens when you leave yourself out there for someone.
I've mentioned it before (and promise I'll stop soon) but I feel so out of place and out of touch with my surroundings and the world I live in. I feel like the things that everyone else wants are things that I rarely give a second thought about. I never let my personal goals/dreams be effected by those of others and I've tried to not compare my failures/success to anyone else, but it gets more and more difficult. I feel like I have the detachment from family that you'd expect from a drug addict squatting somewhere. I feel like I'm at the lowest level of self-worth that I ever could have imagined. I feel so awful saying it out loud to someone, but I almost don't care what happens to me anymore. I can't fake being happy or content. I don't know what the problem is or how it began to manifest like this, but I know that's the only way I can explain it. I'm completely and utterly fucking lost.
I don't have that close-knit group of friends anymore, nor do I really care to try and find them. I'm content with the few friends I do have that know me well. I feel like I'm not even in my own body half the time. Like I'm moving out of habit, rather than purpose. I honestly don't know where to go or what to do. I don't have a family to lean on, and I don't know how much the friends who have become my family are going to take from me before they get sick of me too. I'm constantly trying to do good for everyone else because it's all I feel I'm good at. I don't know how to be proud of myself. I don't know what to do with myself. All the things I used to like about myself vanished years ago. Sometimes I hear myself talking to others and all I can think about is how boring and awkward I sound. In return it makes me feel like I'm better off talking to no one and then I end up writing on some public forum like this and feeling like I'm even more crazy and stupid than I initially thought.
I'm definitely more emotional than I need to be. Which is part of the reason I feel the need to get these emotions out (usually by writing) RIGHT AS THEY ARE HAPPENING as opposed to just chilling out for a bit and reflecting on my feelings more rationally later. But that's just how I am these days. It's like I'm either at 0% or 100% and there is no room for anything in between. In a room of people I'm closest to, I couldn't feel more alone. I'm just in a weird, lost place. I know I'm not alone and that there are many people who tend to experience this around my age and that gives me a little piece of mind. I know that I'm the only one capable of changing my future and the path I go in, but I don't know where to begin right now and I just feel so overwhelmed by it all.
I should add that I'm not, by any means, suicidal. I'm just venting on the things that weigh heavily on my head and heart.
I look at pictures of myself as a little kid and I wish I could just shake the 9yr old looking back at me. I'd tell her all the things to avoid so she wouldn't be such a fuck up later on.
But then again, I probably wouldn't have had all these stories and life experiences that have made me who I am today, right?
The fuck-up that I am right now.