Friday, March 7, 2014

3-8-14 (for lack of better title)

I guess all you can do is throw your love out there in the world and hope that it means something. Hope that it comes back. You never know the way things are going to go and it really is one of those bittersweet fibers that makes up life. You can't hold past experiences, regardless of them being positive or negative, against a person that wasn't involved with them. You can't love unconditionally when you're constantly questioning the million things that are "meant and not meant to be" in the back of your mind.

It ruins everything.

It really does.

As a little girl, I never dreamed of my wedding day the way that I've heard so many other girls tend to do. I don't even recall ever dreaming of what "he" would be like one day. I didn't have a specific idea of what I'd like him to look like, nor did I ever have a specific "type". I always thought that after I finished school, I'd just  travel the world and experience things. If someone happened to fall in love with me during that time, then so be it. But to hell with the idea of me being the one to fall in love first.

My mother always told me to "never love a man more than he loves you". I hate that it's one of those things that occasionally still pops up in my head. What the hell am I even supposed to take from that? Is loving someone "more" a sign of weakness? Or is it just that it makes you more susceptible to being hurt if you invest more love and trust in someone? I mean, I get wanted to protect your kid and not wanting to see them get hurt, but as a result, I think I've almost done nothing else other than get hurt over and over again. And it's all my fault because I'm the one that runs. I run from things just as they start getting good. I let go before anyone has a chance to. I've done a great job at destroying. I really have.

Like I took that "if you love someone, you'll let them go" saying a bit too seriously.

I make a good filler. I'm good enough until the right thing comes along. People seem to do better once I'm out of their lives. It's a trend I've noticed.

The truth is I'm scared shitless.
That and I feel like at this point in my life, I have nothing to offer anyone.
I don't know if I ever have.
I doubt myself in everything I do every single day.

It's abrupt and stupid and completely lacks flow or clarity, but I'm ending this entry now.

I've said enough to bring me enough peace to sleep tonight.